What do you say? -Thank you.

    Perhaps I’m a little out of my place for this kind of talk/proposal/writing; whatever it is. I can’t help but think that maybe my struggles are on too big a personal level to be of any benefit to another besides my own self – for my own satisfaction. But, through the battles of my life, I’ve learned. I’ve been hurt, misused, taken for granted, injured, lied to, deceived, wrongfully accused, beaten, scoffed, doubted, forgotten. And, that’s only the beginning; and I haven’t even been here twenty years! So, bear with me, as I try to bear with myself, through this look into my past at a very painful, yet crucial year of my life.

    Not many people know the real reason that I left Chicago. This is of my choosing. And out of embarrassment. My excuses have included, “The school wasn’t right” or “My situation wasn’t what you would think,” and though those are partly true, they don’t give way into the details that make up the reality behind my situation. Truthfully, I couldn’t handle it. Any of it.
   
    Before the final decision to embark into the unknown, I spent years building my life – personality, spirituality, emotional maturity, physique, etiquette, style, hobbies, friends, daily routines, etc. Consciously, I was unaware of this happening. I had no idea that I was building a foundation for myself within the context of the situations I was currently in. But, that’s exactly what I was doing. I saw things from one perspective, my own. And, I never imagined life could be any different than that which I was so used to. This, I think, is partly why I convinced myself that Chicago and I would work. And it was too late when I realized that my whole life was about to be flipped upside-down. So, I had to go.

    It was August of 2006 when I first witnessed a feeling that would remain with me for many months to come: loneliness. I stood in the alley of my downtown Chicago apartment while I watched the waving hand of my first love, L. vanish into the abyss of city congestion as the empty van drove farther and farther away. Right then and there, I knew. I just knew that something wasn’t right.

    Up seven stories, there is a different kind of actuality that’s strangely only noticeable when you experience it first hand. Down the flights of stairs to the crowed streets – through the alleys and past the city sculptures. Slowly, I began a new routine. To this day, I’m not able to tell if it’s the city that’s guilty or if everyone endures a trance-like reality by choice. But whatever the case, it always rained in Chicago; my socks were always wet – and I didn’t even care. The little things, the things that would aggravate a sane man, seemed not to matter at all. Not compared to the weight in my heart.

    It continued for months. Though I seemed to transition little by little into my new environment, there was still something so desperately missing from my life; and I couldn’t come to grip without it. I missed her. And now, unashamed, I admit it.

    I missed the company, the friendship, the beauty, the captivity, the hand holding, the lip locking. I missed the security of knowing that happiness, as I knew it, was right around the corner. I couldn’t bear the thought of how many more months I had to be away, so I didn’t, I lived hour by hour. It was love twisting my heart into knots. I was told, “Absence makes the heart grow fonder,” – but not in my case. It made my heart weaker. It literally drained the life out of me, day by day. I physically watched emotion fade from my being. And slowly, I began to stop fighting. I settled.

    Now, at this point in a person’s life, you reach some pretty unstable ground. Uncertainty dominates your mindset. You begin to question your own beliefs about existence – hoping, with what little of it that you have left, that something, anything, will bring you back.

    Call it a miracle, but that is what happened. Hope was floating along the in the breeze one cold, January morning – and I breathed it. I don’t know how else to explain it. Out of nowhere, I viewed things in a different way. Color began to come back to the city. I strolled the park, seeing green, and blue, and purple. I looked down the shoreline and noticed, for the first time, just how perfectly everything meshed together. I couldn’t understand it, nor take it all in – the beauty was unexplainable. Then I saw it; hope.

    Then, it all made perfect sense. The city didn’t just miraculously become beautiful. It always was beautiful! I just failed to notice. Call it selfishness, call it conceit, whatever the proper term, I don’t know – but it blinded me. I was too tied up in worry, jealousy, and remorse that I didn’t take the time to slow down and notice all the little things (in fact, they all weren’t so little) that I should have been thanking God for regularly. I didn’t take the time for anything. Lucky for me, Hope and I crossed paths.

    It says in 1 Chronicles 16:34, Give thanks to the LORD, for He is good; His love endures forever. In fact, all of us have countless things that we take for granted. Things which are only available to us through the grace of God. I want to share with you an article that I received in an email recently from Rhonda Byrne. Now, I know what you’re thinking, and in defense: “Yes, Rhonda is the lady behind The Secret. Regardless of that, this article has a very good message.” We can all learn from this concept and should strive to give thanks, for the small, as well as the great things. For it is by God alone that we even have anything at all.